I am utterly wowed by how much I have grown and changed in the last year. So, the subject of this blog is going to be changes. *starts humming David Bowie*
There have been noticeable but not unexpected changes, such as increase in alcohol consumption (the me who wrote my last post would be amazed), to more experimental changes, like dying my hair red - though that has sadly faded now.
The drinking started off as gradual, but has recently increased exponentially. I'm still not the type who likes to get smashed every weekend, but when I do go I usually go hard (my severe hangovers being proof to that). It's a combination of encouragement from friends and the knowledge that I do have a good time well drunk. I feel less awkward and more free to just dance without feeling ridiculous.
The hair, meanwhile, was done on a whim and turned out quite well. It was nice to have a bit of an experiment, branch out a little, and it got quite a few compliments. I'll probably do it again once summer rolls around.
It's more than just drinking and hair, though.
Just reading my last post - which was now over a year ago - I can see how much I've changed. It's not just that either: I feel different. I feel more me. More confident.
I've never been that much of a confident person. I've always been fairly quiet and not all that adept at conversation or public speaking. Certainly, I still loath speaking in front of people (at least when sober) and I sometimes struggle to get a word in edge ways, but I'm okay with that. I know now that I can still contribute to and enjoy a conversation, even if I only say a few sentences.
There's also my attitude about my hobbies and likes that have changed.
I tend to fangirl and obsess about a lot of things (see my Richard Armitage post), but I usually kept fairly quiet about these, except with certain people. Throughout the last year and a half, I've been a lot more open about these things: happily admitting them to my friends and actually discovering that some of them are shared. While I would previously have avoided talking about them in public, now I am fairly content to do so and adopt the not-give-a-damn-about-what-other-people-think approach. What's the point in loving something if you can't shout it from the rooftops?
It's hard to pinpoint when this change really started happening, but I remember the moment when I really noticed it:
I was out - on my own - at a festival-like party my university holds every summer. My friend who I was meeting hadn't arrived yet and I was trying to work out what to do to pass the time. I was wearing something that I wasn't sure was entirely fashionable, but I felt comfortable and confident in (semi-channelling the awesome character on the left).
I started thinking about how I might look to the other people wandering around: me on my own in slightly unusual clothing versus them, with friends and dressed fairly normally.
A year before this I would have gotten very nervous and self-conscious; immediately finding some quiet spot to stand and wait for my friend, unnoticed. However, I realised at that moment that I didn't really care that much. I don't mind being on my own for a bit - I'm fine being alone with my thoughts - I liked what I was wearing and felt it looked good, so why should I worry about what somebody else says? Why should their opinions dictate what I should do?
There wasn't exactly a fanfare or light bulb above the head moment, and the rest of the afternoon wasn't Earth-shatteringly amazing, but that moment has stuck with me. Now, whenever I end up in a situation that would once have had me cringing or standing about looking awkward, I just think "No. I'm not unhappy. I'm not ashamed. That's just me worrying about what other people think, which I shouldn't give a damn about anyway."
I'm not saying I'm a completely changed person - there are still times when I get awkward or feel at a loose end, but they are becoming fewer. I am remembering what it feels like not to care and to love what I love, do what I do, without apology.
"I don't care. I love it." - Icona Pop
The song that this is taken from has become one of my favourites over the last few months. It's not exactly a mystery as to why.
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